February 3rd, 2010

Tiffany Mulheron Poses for March FHM

In what appears to be a new pic from a previous series we posted a while back, “Twilight” star Ashley Greene is seen pimping zero calorie soft drink SoBe Lifewater in a sexy painted-on bikini. Rumor has it that it took lucky-bastard artists roughly 12 hours to paint the bikini on Ashley’s bod (now, that sounds like a cool fucking way to make a living! OW!).

As you guys know, there are many more pics to this series and the best ones will appear in the upcoming Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue that hits newsstands on February 9th.

Beyowulf may not be performing at the Super Bowl, but it doesn’t mean she’s not making a shiz load of $$$$$!

The pop diva has been tapped to star in Vizio’s ad campaign, which will air during the big game. Considering the 30-second spot will run about $2.8 million, we wonder what Miz Knowles is getting.

Damn girl!

Cameron Diaz found some time to hit the beach while filming Knight and Day in the Caribbean with Tom Cruise, and you know what I just noticed? There are never rumors about him sleeping with his leading ladies. Seriously, never. Every other actor in the world is accused at least once during a film of banging a female co-worker, but not Tom Cruise. Because no one would believe it. Even the kooks who swear they photographed the Loch Ness Monster rimming Elvis outside the White House would be like “Tom Cruise in a woman’s vagina? Ahahaha! You should be in a mental institution.”

Who knew Jack Nicholson’s daughter was such a gorgeous girl?

19-year-old Lorraine Nicholson was all smiles when she was seen in Hawaii on Tuesday filming for the upcoming Soul Surfer movie.

Wonder if Dad’s come to grips with the fact that his little girl is a total hottie?

You guys see the genius* in the above photo? That’s Joselyn James. She’s a porn star and one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses and also probably one of the funniest people on the planet. Remember last week when I told you about those novelty golf balls they are selling with all of Tiger’s mistresses’ faces printed on them? I thought they were some of the stupidest pieces of crap merchandise that I’ve ever seen in a world where everyone is broke and no one needs junk laying around their houses. Well, it turns out my girlie Joselyn and I have something in common beside the fact that men cannot resist us. She hates them too! Here are some quotes from a press conference she did about them:

“as a victim of violence myself, it bothered me to think that someone would be standing with a dangerous club hitting a ball with my photo on it.”

“hitting a woman or an image of a woman is not a sport…this would be no different than using a picture of a woman’s face for target practice.”

Oh, and just to continue to show this woman’s Mensa-level intelligence:

“I was in love with Tiger…and I believed that he loved me too.”

I have never been hit by a man, but I can tell you this much: Desensitizing the population to abuse by bringing up arguments like this about something that I cannot actually imagine is offense to the victims is much more dangerous than these golf balls. Joselyn is claiming that the mere thought of the image of a woman’s face of a golf ball is traumatizing to her, right? So then why doesn’t she do anything about the violence portrayed in her own industry? How is a drawing on a golf ball any less art than her and her peers getting rammed in the ass and smacked around by men on video?

Joselyn is a smart girl, I know. I know she’s really brainy. But girl, there are flaws in your logic.

*I don’t actually know if she’s smart, but clearly she’s smart enough to play a sexy teacher in pornography, so you put 2 + 2 together.

America’s newest favorite pastime is making over the deep fried Butterfingers of Jersey Shore. Everyone is trying to de-guido them, but Snooki’s makeover from Inside Edition is the most drastic. They deflated her poof, removed the layers of bronzer off her face with a sandblaster and replaced her Ed Hardy rags with leftovers from Nordstrom Rack. Speaking of that dress, how is she going to flip her crotch on the dancefloor in that thing? Or run when a hippo comes charging at her?

The only thing they couldn’t erase was her duckface. It’s permanent. You can kill the poof, but you can’t kill the duckface! The day Snooki’s duckface dies is the day MySpace packs up their shit and goes home.

And if you thought Snooki looks like a Cathay Pacific flight attendant who makes strong drinks in the picture above, look at what they did to her here.

They turned her into Tiger Woods’ mom!!!!! Actually, that’s an improvement because Tiger’s mom is made of poly-blend silk and elegance.

Now that’s a happy package. Kellan Lutz joins Mechad Brooks, who starred in hit series True Blood, alongside Spanish tennis star Fernando Verdasco, and Japanese footballer Hidetoshi Nakata in the latest ad campaign for Calvin Klein Underwear.

The campaign will feature behind-the-scenes videos and interviews with the four leading lads, as well as innovative 3D-effect versions of the adverts.

3D packages – love it!

If you answered “yes” to that question then your name is probably Gene Wilder. Well Gene, whip out the Orange-Glo and lube your genitals up, because word on the internet is that a naked video of Jersey Shore’s Snooki is up for sale.

Radar says that in addition to a video, there’s also pictures of Snooki’s tangerine titties and butterscotch pudding pot making the rounds. Snooki took the pictures and video herself, but she’s not the one peddling them to the highest bidder (uh huh). Radar, who claims to have seen the pictures, says that one demure photo shows Snooki “in her bedroom, on her knees, with one hand on the ground and the other holding the rail of the bed frame. She is looking at the camera with her head tilted slightly.” That sounds like some Alley Cat on a Hot Tin Roof shit.

Isn’t this absolutely the shock of all shocks? Snooki is so refined and ladylike on the show. I mean, she puts her hand over her vagina before she queefs.

But seriously, even though we’ve never seen Snooks fully nekkid ass nekkid, I still feel like I’ve seen everything but her damn uterus. It’s like if I got an e-mail with the subject: Kirstie Alley Sloshing. My dead-wrong imagination has already painted that horrific picture in my head, so there’s no need for me to open it. I already know how it’s going to make me feel (SPOILER ALERT: like this).

After seeing the latest pic of Coco squatting on her sink make the Internet rounds today, I realized it’s been way too long since I plundered her Twitter account for erotic hilarity. So join me as I catch up with the the life of Coco through the magic of penis jokes in the captions.

NOTE: Out of consideration for readers who actually work for a living, I defied the laws of physics by somehow managing to star some of Coco’s body parts whose sheer mass alone defy the laws of decency. And my heart.